My quest to assemble the Umlaut came not ten minutes ago. I was bored. I was also hungry, as I had not eaten lunch. I shambled into the kitchen, yanked open the fridge, and was met with the jar of peanut butter right next to the bottle of mustard "Huh," I think, "I remember the peanut butter and mustard sandwich." Ah, what a time that was. Just me, Murdurpyg, and sandwiches. Those thoughts floated about, collided with other things lurking about the depths of the Whirlpool Chrome refrigerator before me, door open in a way that would make Al Gore red in the face.
And that's when it struck me: I needed a sandwich. Not just any sandwich, a sandwich where "awesome" was not enough. It needed "aweXome." With a capital X.
From the fridge I yanked the following ingredients. It is vitally important you use them:
Plain yellow mustard
Chunky peanut butter (it must be chunky)
Jam, any flavor (cherry was used for this test)
Slicked chicken brest
Two strips of fucking bacon. That's right. I went that far.
Step one: Take two pieces of bread. Apply large amounts of peanut butter to one slice, jelly to the other.
Step two: Microwave bacon. While this is happeneing, perform the other steps, but be sure to check on the bacon. I recommend microwaving the bacon for thirty second intervals, switching to fifteen seconds when it is closer to being done.
Step three: Add ham to peanut butter. Add mustard to ham. Add chicken to mustard.
Step four: Apply relish to chicken. Why this is a seperate step, I do not know. Bear with me here.
Step five: Add bacon to relish. Use only two strips, otherwise it could explode in a burst of pure awesome. If you survive, guitar solos performed by pirate ninjas and robots will forever haunt your dreams.
Step six: Apply liberal amounts of hot sauce to jelly (that means don't be a puss). Place jelly/hot sauce bread on top of bacon.
Step seven: Behold. Take picture with cell phone; add glory lines and a title lazily in MS Paint.
(I used GIMP, but whatever.)
Step eight: Eat it. Feel good about life. Ignore heart palpitations.
There it is, the only thing I will ever contribute to society. It is difficult to describe how the Umlaut tastes, but I'll try: imagine Epic Win and AweXome having sex in your mouth, they are both girls, and neither of them has an STD.
And I, uh, have nothing else to say I guess.