Sunday, May 30, 2010

Making the Umlaut: A Practical Guide

Today, I constructed mankind's greatest achievement: a sandwich so amazing, so powerful, so flavorful; it wins hearts and breaks them. It's the Umlaut. And it's awesome.

My quest to assemble the Umlaut came not ten minutes ago. I was bored. I was also hungry, as I had not eaten lunch. I shambled into the kitchen, yanked open the fridge, and was met with the jar of peanut butter right next to the bottle of mustard "Huh," I think, "I remember the peanut butter and mustard sandwich." Ah, what a time that was. Just me, Murdurpyg, and sandwiches. Those thoughts floated about, collided with other things lurking about the depths of the Whirlpool Chrome refrigerator before me, door open in a way that would make Al Gore red in the face.

And that's when it struck me: I needed a sandwich. Not just any sandwich, a sandwich where "awesome" was not enough. It needed "aweXome." With a capital X.

From the fridge I yanked the following ingredients. It is vitally important you use them:

Plain yellow mustard

Chunky peanut butter (it must be chunky)

Jam, any flavor (cherry was used for this test)

Pickle relish

Hot sauce

Slicked chicken brest

Sliced ham

Two strips of fucking bacon. That's right. I went that far.

Step one: Take two pieces of bread. Apply large amounts of peanut butter to one slice, jelly to the other.

Step two: Microwave bacon. While this is happeneing, perform the other steps, but be sure to check on the bacon. I recommend microwaving the bacon for thirty second intervals, switching to fifteen seconds when it is closer to being done.

Step three: Add ham to peanut butter. Add mustard to ham. Add chicken to mustard.

Step four: Apply relish to chicken. Why this is a seperate step, I do not know. Bear with me here.

Step five: Add bacon to relish. Use only two strips, otherwise it could explode in a burst of pure awesome. If you survive, guitar solos performed by pirate ninjas and robots will forever haunt your dreams.

Step six: Apply liberal amounts of hot sauce to jelly (that means don't be a puss). Place jelly/hot sauce bread on top of bacon.

Step seven: Behold. Take picture with cell phone; add glory lines and a title lazily in MS Paint.

(I used GIMP, but whatever.)

Step eight: Eat it. Feel good about life. Ignore heart palpitations.

There it is, the only thing I will ever contribute to society. It is difficult to describe how the Umlaut tastes, but I'll try: imagine Epic Win and AweXome having sex in your mouth, they are both girls, and neither of them has an STD.

And I, uh, have nothing else to say I guess.

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