Saturday, August 14, 2010

Hurr Hurr

Don't mind me. I'm not being totally lazy at this blog of which you speak.

So I saw this movie The Expendables. I was going to write a critique of it when I realized there's only like three plot devices and two of them are Sylvester Stallone's biceps, but why the hell not it's not like anybody reads this.

where doing it man

I will rate this movie in several different categories: Plot, Shooting Things, Grunts/Unintelligible Stallone Lines, Jet Li Punching Things, Intestinal Splatter, and Witty Limericks.

Ha, who're you shitting? I take back what I said earlier, there are four plot devices. Stallone's right arm, Stallone's left arm, a guy named Church will give him a ton of money if he shoots a guy, and Stallone wants to bang a chick twenty years younger and from a South American island that probably does not really exist whose flag for some reason is based off an Arabic tricolor (I know too much about flags I think).
Anyway, plot elements one, two, and four are well accounted for throughout the movie, but number three mysteriously goes missing about halfway though. My guess is he left when Arnold Schwarzenegger made his cameo appearance and then left, resulting in the best line in the entire movie:
Church: What's his problem?
Stallone, whose name is like Barney or something lame like that: He wants to be President.
Ha! Zinger!
Anyway, I rate the plot negative zero out of L.

Shooting Things

This is the part where I spit out some malarkey about how this is where the movie shines, but I can't, because I'm still remembering I'm Only Here Because I'm Black So I Can Carry The Really Big Gun Guy and the way everything he shot with that trench gun exploded, sort of like an episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, but with more guns and aging action starts and muscular black men with one purpose in the movie (to carry the really big gun) and six lines.
Overall, I rate Shooting Things over nine thousand.

Grunts/Unintelligible Stallone Lines
While I'm Only Here Because I'm Black So I Can Carry The Really Big Gun Guy certainly did grunt up a storm during that one badass scene where he killed like two dozen guys by walking down a hallway with that trench gun, Stallone is the true master of making primitive vowel noises and saying things that were probably significant, but you'll be damned if all you heard wasn't "Uh huna suh tahm uh guh." Someone must have given Stallone coffee or something, because the only time someone said something I didn't understand was during Arnold Schwarzenegger's random cameo, but to be fair, all I remember coming out of his mouth was "You're looking skinny", only it sounded like "Uah lükeeng skinee" and it was pretty funny because he's Austrian, get it?
So I rate the grunting a measly 2.

Jet Li Punching Things
At first, it's pretty easy to be mistaken that Jet Li is only here to be the butt of a lot of short jokes and be named Yin Yang (I kid you not), but after a mediocre chase scene, Li transforms from short guy with hilarious accent to short guy with hilarious accent beating the tar out of a guy who looks like he could devour him with only his bare hands. To be short (heh), Jet Li was fucking awesome.
I rate Jet Li a random Chinese character I found with Google out of ten.

Intestinal Splatter
I really suddenly don't feel like writing this part but there wasn't enough random intestines flying out of the guys, even when they got shot in the everywhere by Black Man's trench gun and that was really disappointing because the Rambo reboot a few years ago had awesome intestinal action, I mean, damn, those intestines leapt from their human confines with gusto and splattered on the tree he was standing in front of with great emotion.
I guess what I'm saying is there needed to be more pointless gore.

Witty Limericks
At the end of the movie, we were treated to Christmas spouting off some bullshit limerick about why he's better than the guy whose name is literally Tool at a knife throwing contest.
Man, it was so awesome. It was like a symphony of fucking lyrical beauty, right there on the screen, with a gruff looking fellow wielding a knife playing every instrument out his ass.
That was sarcasm. His knife scenes were extraordinarily badass, though.

Overall, the movie gets a seven out of ten because none of what I typed up there really mattered that much.

---TheU out---

sing us a song, you're the piano man
sing us a song tonight
well, we're all in the mood for a melody
and you've got us feeling alright

-Billy Joel, Piano Man

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