Saturday, May 7, 2011

The Best Fifth Generation Pokémon Are All Fucking Nuts

I am a gigantic nerd. This probably isn't that surprising when you consider I wrote over two thousand words about a Wario game, but I feel the need to stress this point because I am going to confess something: I got really excited about Pokémon Black and White.
Racism makes everything better!

I've recently acquired Black Version and have declared it the best thing in the world; I will never be productive again because I can't stop goddamn playing it. The best part is everything has started over: instead of going all the way beyond the Route 230 that ended Shinnoh in Diamond/Pearl/Platinum, the route counter starts back at 1. Until you get the National Dex, you will not see any Pokémon from the past four generations. You will not find any fucking Zubat or Geodude. Even the world map is different from the format we've stuck with since the days of Ruby/Sapphire/Emerald.

Now, there are exactly 156 new Pokémon introduced in Black/White. For reference, Generation IV had 107, Generation III had 135, Generation II had 100, and Generation I, of course, started with 151. 156 is a lot.
It is to be expected, in every generation, that there are some that are...strange. Mr Mime, Hitmontop, Ludicolo, Drifblim, just to name one off the top of my head from each generation. But you see, five generations in, it becomes apparent that at the very start of Pokémon in 1994, a bunch of developers got together, locked themselves in a room, and consumed all the drugs they could without killing themselves. Their fevered sketchings and 'duuuuuuuude, what if...'s created over a thousand Pokémon, and every generation, the least crazy ones on the list are taken and crammed into a new game. At this point, they're almost out of sanity. Only madness is left.
And that's why I'm of the opinion Gen V's Pokémon are some of the best: because most of them are all really crazy looking. Here are the best twenty, in no particular order.

#528: Woobat

Look at that guy. Fucker's as high as a kite.
The best way to describe Woobat is 'cat toy with bat wings' because that is pretty much what Woobat is. It also knows an attack called Heart Stamp where it uses its decidedly heart-shaped nose to attack you.
And Woobat is only the tip of the crazy iceberg.

#534: Conkeldurr

I'm going to get the glaring thing out of the way first: durr herp derp. It's got durr right in its name. You would think someone would have noticed that.
Conkeldurr sends some strange signals. It has a clown nose, but the face/beard of a creepy guy who quietly sits in the corner of bars. The guy pumps some serious iron, but has some sort of concentrated dwarfism that causes his legs to be approximately two inches long. Also, he swings around concrete blocks, because fuck you, that's why.

#563: Cofagrigus

Those eyes. THOSE EYES. I really feel bad for the guy on LSD who dreamed this fucker up, because holy damn, that is a sarcophagus with evil red eyes, fangs, and four shadow arms reaching out to grab you and drag you straight to fucking Hell. Why don't we see what the Pokédex has to say about Cofagrigus?
"It has been said that they swallow those who get too close and turn them into mummies."
Sleep tight.

#508: Stoutland

There is nothing wrong with the Pokémon itself here. It's just a big terrier thing. No big deal.
But the name: Stoutland.
You mean to tell me nobody looked at that over at Game Freak and thought "that's kind of dumb. It's like the Land of Stouts or something."? Because that was the first thing I thought. The Land of Stouts.

#542: Leavanny

And God said: "Let there be Rule 34 of a woman who is half plant, half praying mantis," and there was, and His disciples said: "Amen."

#593: Jellicent

Words fail me. I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to be looking at here. Is it a balloon, a jellyfish, or a morbidly obese Victorian-era upper class woman? It's Water/Ghost type, which is really awesome, but damn. When even I have trouble making fun of something, you know it's strange.
Bonus: there's also a separate male version that is pretty much the same except the male is blue, has a 'stache, and less girly features.

#591: Amoonguss

Amoonguss has no time for your shit. Look at that guy. He is just about the chillest motherfucker you'll ever meet. He's just sitting there, disinterested look in his eyes, idly whistling. Amoonguss is a stone cold badass.
Also: I know what druuuuuuuuuugs these guys were ooooon...

#623: Golurk

Remember, everything is better with giant robots. There is not a single exception to this rule. As you can see, Pokémon has benefited from having a giant robot because a) giant robots are awesome and b) it's Ground/Ghost.

#516: Simipour

And then God said: "Let there be more awkward Rule 34, this time of a monkey woman wearing a blue swimsuit" and there was, and His disciples said "Amen."

#561: Sigilyph

I have no idea what these people were on, but I fucking need some, because that right there? That is fucking awesome. I'm not even going to make fun of Sigilyph. Sigilyph is just that cool.

#576: Gothitelle

Just based on my limited experience with the goth subculture, I'm pretty sure they don't wear their hair in giant rings and wear accordion dresses with gigantic bows on them. Also, everybody knows goth women are the size of a truck.

#598: Ferrothorn

Once again, words are failing me. What was the object here? Did someone just see a Koosh ball and think "hey, what would it look like if it had diamond eyes, iron thorns, and rape tentacles?" Because that's the only explanation for Ferrothorn. 'Thorn Pod Pokémon' my ass.

#609: Chandelure

Gen V really has a thing for the Ghost types. Chandelure is Ghost/Fire, which is awesome. That aside, I wonder if a fun game to play around the Game Freak offices is "Name Objects and Create Haunted Versions of Them" because, hey, look, a haunted chandelier. This makes nothing but sense!

#618: Stunfisk that a beak?
Also, it's the 'Trap Pokémon.' That means...
(that was pretty much the only reason I included this one)

#626: Bouffalant

Does anyone else find it funny that in Pokémon Black version you can get a bull with an afro?
That's really all that needs to be said.

#569: Garbodor

This is a Pokémon based on a pile of garbage. I'm not sure what else to say, except its face never fails to make me laugh. The longer you stare at it, the funnier it gets.

#647: Keldeo

Though this weird looking unicorn is inherently funny, it's even funnier when you realize it looks a lot like a color swap of Snails from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

#649: Genesect

Coming in at number six hundred and forty-nine, Genesect is the last Pokémon of Generation V. Also, it is a robot bug with a giant cannon on its back. If you have a problem with this, please leave right now, because you are a fucking pansy.

#615: Cryogonal

There is no way you can look at Cryogonal and not see Agnry Faic. It's impossible. Cryogonal is freaking Agnry Faic.

#584: Vanilluxe

Ladies and gentlemen, I have three words for you: cumming ice cream.
He's too happy. That has to be what's going on in that picture.

And with that, I have shown you twenty cracky Pokémon from Generation V. Awesome or terrible? YOU DECIDE

(they're awesome)


  1. Arceus has officially made his GREATEST creations! >:D

  2. Hate em. I don't like the way they look. Mayb I just grew out of pokemon but I had high hopes for these games. Gen 3 was my fav.
    I build my party on looks mostly, ( I'm shallow), and there's not much to choose from.... O and is the fire/fighting starter stuck on replay? I hate snivy for watever reason, And oshawott is ugly.... :( I still have hope for a gen 6 tho

    1. More to choose from than Gen 1. My party looks like a bunch of badasses. Zekrom, Carracosta, Hydreigon, Thundurus, Metagross, Ryuurem.

  3. Stunfisk looks like someone stepped on poop.

  4. i stopped playing pokemon before second generation came out and never cared for the other generations so i'm kind of not entitled to say shit, but genesect is clearly based on warhammers tyranid army, more specifically a mix of the tyranid warrior and genestealer. with a dash of power puff girls.

    vanillux - cum? no way. they\it got a manic expression and a snorting straw. you figure it out.

    anyway, despite this was the most boring entry on your blog, which i like, mainly due to your excessive use of terminologies like because fuck you, thats why and the more general rediculing lingo, i found this to be the most apt entry to write something on as i do not cares aboot it. because fuck you thats why.

  5. Just... fuck you. You fucking arrogant piece of cuntshit.

    1. cunt-shit......a baby?

  6. Exactly, the 5th gen is the best gen to come out since the second gen and there are so many things to explore in Pokemon b/w2. Some of the best things I can easily say about the game is the tournaments, the online, the gym leaders from the past and present, the story(the first b/w story was better in my opinion) the convenience, legendary Pokemon from previous gens, more triple and rotation battles, and yes even the 5th gen Pokemon. Anyone who says that Pokemon black and White haven't tried out the games I listed.

  7. go stunfisk garbodor and sigilyph and sunkern THERE AWESOME

  8. Go suck yourself man u suck

  9. Please.
    5th generation Pokemon suck altogether.
    I also hope Mewtwo bodies Genesect and slaps him back into Digimon.
    6th Generation Pokemon better not let me down.

    1. Dude you are fucking retarded and if you complain about other tv shows you should likely watch a few episodes and also 5th gen is pretty good and it tried stuff that is new and also have you ever seen hydregion.

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  11. You people who hate on gen 5 are gen 1 fanboys.
    There are some crappy pokemon in every region, so why is this a big deal?
    Theres some great pokemon on gen 5 like zoroark, hydreigon, etc.

  12. Everything from generation 6 makes generation 5 look worse that it already is. Timburr is Machop, regenrolla is geodude, throh and sawk are hitmonlee and hitmonchan, and genosect is genetically engineered kabutops. only even number pokemon games are good. generation 5 turned beings into items like ice-cream and candles, and was so recognizably bad, that game freak decided to make the game over again. the legendaries were supposed to be ying and yang, but instead were rip off of yu-gi-yo dragons, and that role was given to x and y legendaries. Generation 5 is by far, the worst pokemon game there has ever been. ever.

  13. I hate people who call people who like gen 1 "fanboys". Can people not have opinions without being called something like that? Now onto the pokemon.These gen 5 pokemon are pretty good. I just dislike the digimon-esque feeling I get from sigilyph and the sarcophagus one, but most of the others aren't like that. Still love gen 1