Friday, June 17, 2011

Is He Called Die Grüne Lanterne in Germany?

To make a long story short, in what was technically today I saw the midnight premiere of The Green Lantern, a movie that was pretty fantastically average. If this movie was a number between one and ten, it would be 5.5. If awards were given out for being average, this movie wouldn't get one, because if it won an award, it wouldn't be average anymore, now wouldn't it? There were still many things that made The Green Lantern something definitely worth wasting an hour writing about, though, so I guess that's what I'm going to do? I don't know why I'm still writing this paragraph.

Plot
Saying this movie lacks plot is like saying Adolf Hitler didn't care for Jews: it is a vast understatement. Once Hal Jordan acquires his ring, things take a turn for the nonsense when the big bad guy, Parallax, infects a scientist with fear powers, then (spoiler, not that it matters in the slightest) kills kills said scientist because he disappointed him.
Another thing that didn't matter at all: all 3600 other Green Lanterns except for like three: Giant Guy, Fish Dude, and Redface Assfuck. I guess Fish Dude was pretty cool, and Giant Guy didn't really have any personality to speak of, but Redface Assfuck was the most arrogant loser with his head so far up his own ass his pointy ears were tearing his stomach open, only he's probably too good for our pathetic human stomachs, he has a centralized protein absorption and digestion sack. I hated Redface Assfuck.
Another thing worth mentioning is how Redface Assfuck convinced the sages or whatever to forge a yellow fear ring, and then Hal is like "no bros don't be doing that" and everyone completely forgot the yellow ring was still a thing that existed. What happened to it? Did Fish Dude get it? What about the completely useless robot green lantern we saw behind Hal during that one part on Oa? The world may never care.
I rate the Plot a boring out of who cares.

Parallax
Parallax was the villain behind the entire movie, though I must say, while he did a great job at being the embodiment of fear, he did a really shitty job at being a villainous mastermind, but that's okay, since this movie did a really shitty job at telling a story.
The first time we meet Parallax, three useless aliens that spoke in disgruntled whistles and closed captioning crashlanded on a planet in the Lost Sector. Unfortunately for them, this is the very same planet Parallax was locked away in, and Parallax proceeds to absorb their fear so he could escape his green prison. That's putting it pretty mildly. What really went down is the aliens were held in the air by his psionic powers and he opened his mouth and swallowed yellow, ætheric, skeletons that were slowly yanked from their screaming, twisting, bodies. Parallax then busts out of his green crystal jail cell like the Kool-Aid Man busts through walls, then turns into a horrible smoke tentacle monster with an awful leering head and proceeds to devour the fear from entire planets for most of the movie, before getting all pissed at Earth for some reason.
I guess what I'm saying here is Parallax was fucking hardcore. I rate it a holy shit out of awesome.

Scientific Accuracy
I don't mind it terribly when a movie takes a few liberties with science, because I understand the difference between fiction and reality. What bugs me is when an entire production crew, most of whom I can only guess are at least partially educated, forgets how the Solar System works.
During the final epic battle for the fate of Earth, Hal leads Parallax out of Earth's atmosphere and into space. After chucking a nearby satellite at Parallax, Hal flees deeper into the cold void, and we catch a brief glimpse of a light blue gas giant, meaning we have somehow moved from Earth to Uranus in a few seconds.
Hal then proceeds to fly through an asteroid belt. But that's not all! Only a little bit later, Hal flies back to the Sun in a few seconds and chucks Parallax into it. Wait, did I say "back to" the Sun? Because he didn't go "back". He never even turned around.
So let's review: Solar System according to Green Lantern:
Earth > Uranus > Asteroids > The Sun
Stay classy, Hollywood.
I rate the scientific accuracy a fuck out of ten.

Giving a Fuck
At no point did this movie give a fuck. Nowhere along the line did anyone even begin to give a single fuck. Not during the writing phase, not during the filming, not even during post production. Your typical octogenarian couple gives more fucks than The Green Lantern did. If this movie gave a fuck, maybe the 3599 other Green Lanterns would do something other than punch Hal or occupy space. If this movie gave a fuck, maybe it would make sense. If this movie gave even a thousandth of a fuck, maybe someone would have remembered the order of objects in the Solar System. You could use many, many equations and functions to model how few fucks this movie gave, and no matter what, the end result will be a fuckitude of zero, which, on the Sir Erwin Herschel Scale of Fucks, rates as a Not Even Close!.

Bzzt
For a very, very, brief moment in the movie, we see a Green Lantern that is basically a wasp the size of your head giving Hal the hairy segmented eye.

Seen here without wings for some reason.

Whoever this creature was, he had won my heart. Wasp Dude was somehow the best part of this movie, which means this movie only had three good seconds. It took much research on the darker corners of wikis to discover Wasp Dude was, in fact, a canon Green Lantern character named Bzzt. A native of the planet Apiaton, Bzzt is a small insect who somehow fights intergalactic crime. But you know what? That only makes him better. He has heart. He has soul. He is a true winner, and I am really looking forward to Green Lantern Origins: Bzzt, because I know everybody wants to see that, because it would be awesome.
The Bzzt levels in this movie were over nine thousand.




For those of you in the know: we've never been laid.

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