Monday, July 11, 2011

Random Things I Hate

Recently, I remembered this blog is called "I Hate Everything" and, well, most of the entries haven't really been about hating things. I don't hate Wario Land 4. I am pretty neutral about The Green Lantern. I enjoy the sandwiches I craft. Hating Baconalia is a cardinal sin of Baconsim. So far, this blog has been remarkably light on hatred, relatively speaking, for I have yet to create a SI unit for hatred. I don't know if I can pull off a full entry on one thing again, so for the past week or two I've been texting myself something I hate when I realize I hate it. This entry is when I will go over all of these things.

Whole Pieces of Fruit in Jelly
I'm probably a minority on this one, but seriously, it's fucking gross, depending on what kind of fruit you're dealing with. By far the worst fruits are cherries or peaches. Cherries have the delightful little habit of refusing to break down, so you get this gigantic chewy wad of cherry skin in the middle of your eating experience and it's not a fun thing. Peaches or apricots are just really big, and pieces tend to be really big.
To any fruit preserves purists who insist on using all the terms "jelly," "jam," and "marmalade," fuck off. Jesus fuck. Nobody cares.

Certain Cold Pizza
I really like cold pizza. I get weird looks surprisingly often should this come up, but I really see nothing wrong with it. Usually. If whoever stored the cold pizza is a moron and left it in a Styrofoam container, the crust will be soggy and disgusting. If it was deep dish, the cheese will solidify into a waxy wad that is unpleasant to chew through. If it had a topping you don't like on it, the flavor will have seeped through the pizza and you can still taste it even after you peel it off and it's just nasty. The only thing worse than mushrooms is still tasting the mushrooms after you have burned them in a firepit. And what's worse than ghost mushrooms? Rape.

Only Having One Slice of Bread
I am almost 100% certain I am the only person on Earth who gets irritated when there is only one slice of bread left. If you're going to make toast, make two slices, because one slice of bread does not a sandwich make. I take my sandwiches fucking seriously. It does not work with one slice folded over. That is not a sandwich, that is a pathetic lump of grains and mashed pork.
What does not bug me at all are the ends of a loaf of bread. All bread is equal in Mother Russia.

Roger Ebert
If any geriatric was in need of a kick in the ass, it would be Roger Ebert. Fuck that guy. Does he even have a jaw?

He looks like a turtle had sex with a fleshlight and one of them had a baby.
He constantly gives pretentious bullshit rave reviews, then babbles endlessly about morals or something. He gave Kick-Ass a failing grade because Hitgirl was ten and murdered everything, saying "uhh, she shulhn't he hillin' heohle." I don't know if that's how you type someone speaking when they don't have a jaw, but I think that's close enough.

Everybody on Newgrounds
I've spent a few years on Newgrounds, and I honestly want those years back. Newgrounds is full of nothing but twelve year olds, people who think they know how Flash works, and admins. The twelve year olds suck admin cock all day so they can yell at people, then get the person banned when they yell back, because the admins are all probably fifteen or something.
Also, everyone on Newgrounds is a gigantic floppy horse dick secured firmly in between their own asscheeks. Not techno? OMGZ TIHS SUCKZ0RZ. On the Metal Portal and it doesn't sound like Disturbed? WTF THIS IS SUX. On the Punk Portal and you're not Evil-Dog? LOLOLL ZERO BOMB CUZ I CAN. Have a keyboard part and it's not "techno"? God help you, you will be told to GTFO by so many "metalheads" you will throw your monitor out of a window. To anyone who is actively using Newgrounds: get out. Now.

Packing is one of the scariest experiences in anyone's life. The entire time up until the point you leave, there is a monster hovering over you head, shouting YOU WILL FORGET SOMETHING IMPORTANT AND IT WILL RUIN EVERYTHING. The monster also likes to say THE SUITCASE WON'T BE ABLE TO FIT EVERYTHING and NOTHING WILL BE WORTH IT YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME. Once you do leave, the monster switches to YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING AND YOU WILL NOT NOTICE UNTIL YOU ARE IN A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE and NOTHING WILL BE THE WAY YOU ARE EXPECTING AND YOU WILL HATE IT. During my most recent packventure, there were a few items (electronics, mostly; stuff that needed to be charged before I left) that were charging overnight. I wrote a note and put it in a place where I would see it the second I woke up. It was a list of various things I still needed, with big letters: DON'T FORGET TO NOT FAIL. If I do the monster's job for him, maybe he will leave me alone.

Saving Private Ryan
Okay, I seriously really hated this movie and I don't know why. It wasn't Tom Hanks, because I don't think anyone can dislike Tom Hanks (to be honest I just did a Google search to make sure it was actually Tom Hanks, for a second there I kept thinking it was Nicholas Cage and I don't know why), but because the entire movie was an entire mindless slog, what cynical critics such as myself often refer to as ODTAA: One Damn Thing After Another. Boring event after boring event, and then when someone fucks up and dies because Tom Hanks' character was a moron, everyone treats this as some sort of startling revelation. "Wow, what do you mean the medic died after we gave him a gun and told him to join this firefight instead of an actual soldier?" Also, maybe it was it being ten at night but Private Ryan seemed like a total dick at first.

This is something I have a really big fucking problem with: stupid upper middle class shits who claim their kids have ADHD because they run around and throw things, as kids are wont to do, then sit and bitch about it and wave it around screaming "SEE? MY KID DOESN'T HAVE TO DO GOOD IN SCHOOL." I honestly don't have too much to say about this but fuck it anyway.

The Pridnestrovian Moldavian Republic
You probably aren't familiar with the delightful little stretch of post-Soviet land known as the Pridnestrovian Moldavian Republic (or Transnistria, as it is usually called), and you're probably wondering why you should give a ratfuck about it at all. Well, honestly, I don't have any reason to give a ratfuck about it, but at the very least it pisses me right the fuck off. Transnistria claims it is an independent state. "No, you're not," says Moldova. There was a civil war about this, back in 1992. 1,238 dead or so dead, 1,304 wounded (the numbers are a little sketchy), and that doesn't count the thousandish civilian deaths. So what were these loyal Transnistrians(?) fighting over? 

See that tiny red strip of land there, right between two of the world's least useful countries? That is what they were fighting over. It is 1,607 square miles, which is, for reference, only slightly larger than the state of Rhode Island. It has an estimated population of 518,700 people, which is close to the population of Colorado Springs, Colorado, a city that is infamous for being extremely unremarkable. Let's put this into perspective: two thousand people died because a third world Rhode Island-sized Colorado Springs wanted to be independent. God bless east Europe.