Whole Pieces of Fruit in Jelly
I'm probably a minority on this one, but seriously, it's fucking gross, depending on what kind of fruit you're dealing with. By far the worst fruits are cherries or peaches. Cherries have the delightful little habit of refusing to break down, so you get this gigantic chewy wad of cherry skin in the middle of your eating experience and it's not a fun thing. Peaches or apricots are just really big, and pieces tend to be really big.
To any fruit preserves purists who insist on using all the terms "jelly," "jam," and "marmalade," fuck off. Jesus fuck. Nobody cares.
Certain Cold Pizza
I really like cold pizza. I get weird looks surprisingly often should this come up, but I really see nothing wrong with it. Usually. If whoever stored the cold pizza is a moron and left it in a Styrofoam container, the crust will be soggy and disgusting. If it was deep dish, the cheese will solidify into a waxy wad that is unpleasant to chew through. If it had a topping you don't like on it, the flavor will have seeped through the pizza and you can still taste it even after you peel it off and it's just nasty. The only thing worse than mushrooms is still tasting the mushrooms after you have burned them in a firepit. And what's worse than ghost mushrooms? Rape.
Only Having One Slice of Bread
I am almost 100% certain I am the only person on Earth who gets irritated when there is only one slice of bread left. If you're going to make toast, make two slices, because one slice of bread does not a sandwich make. I take my sandwiches fucking seriously. It does not work with one slice folded over. That is not a sandwich, that is a pathetic lump of grains and mashed pork.
What does not bug me at all are the ends of a loaf of bread.
All bread is equal in Mother Russia.
If any geriatric was in need of a kick in the ass, it would be Roger Ebert. Fuck that guy. Does he even have a jaw?