Wednesday, August 24, 2011

As Good as a Play Indeed

Before we get into the comedy proper, everyone sit down for Story Time with Uncle Fuckyou.

Every year I go on vacation to northern Wisconsin, which is about as backwards as two Turkish clowns and the Pope trying to get to Waco, Texas with a map in Cyrillic. As my grandmother would say, they are "a day late and a buck short" up there, which I guess makes sense.
Up in the specific region I frequent, there is a flea market that travels between seven towns every day. I've been there a few times, gotten a few old records, nothing special. It's mostly a way to waste a few hours by scoffing at seven dollar junk.

However, every single time, there is an Asian family with only basic English skills, a moving van, and a shitfuckton of cardboard boxes full of hilarious knockoff garbage. "Shardie" markers, fake Pokémon cards, two dollar wooden backscratchers, you name it, the Boxlands has it.

Behold, the Boxlands.

I always take a quick look though to see what they have to offer. I was about to leave the Boxlands with nothing but disappointment (the three boxes full of socks I recognized from last year) when, in a corner, I spied a splotch of bright red. Navigating around a fat woman staring intently at the Shardie markers and a group of young children examining the Pokémon cards, I saw, in all its glory, a bootleg Batmobile. For three dollars.

As a side note, I wonder what was going through the Asian woman's head as she said "three dorrar" and "you want bag?". Probably nothing flattering. I should move on.

Batman: now with 413% more Kung Fu Panda font!

Behold, the Modernism Best Batman Super Combat Car. A close examination of the box reveals it to be POWERFUL and BORN TO BE WILD, as well as this cryptic message, which is repeated frequently over the box: The Best Quality Cars As Good As A Play. It also reassures us Batman is a hero by printing TRUE HERO everywhere. Thank goodness, I was scared for a minute Asian Batman wasn't actually a hero and was just pretending to be.

Batman: now with 612% more glare!

The bottom of the box is very important here. For one, it reveals it is, in fact, made in China, though I'm having a hard time believing this. It also repeats the standard 'not suitable for children under three years' warning in English, Spanish, and broken Italian. It also declares the car has Universal Drive and Sound System Music, also labeled as Voice.

Ah! But what's this? A new logo appears, calling the MBBSCC 'Batman Super Race Car'! Also, it doesn't come with batteries. Cheap ass Asians.

I was hesitant to open the box, fearing I would decrease the value of the MBBSCC to two dollars instead of three, but since the only thing keeping me from opening it was a tiny piece of tape I don't think I've caused any lasting damage.

Batman: now with 666% more X-SPEED!

Well, I opened it, and out came the MBBSCC and a rather strange looking Batman. Why don't we look closer at him?

Batman: now with 25 more cents!


He's made out of clear blue plastic, so he looks like he just received an Übercharge from a friendly Medic, but looks like he's had his legs blown off by an enemy Demoman. I never knew Batman was in Team Fortress 2. You also have to attach his cape to his back by two pegs, which I almost declared to be impossible but eventually managed.

Batman: now running out of ideas for these jokes!

Now the Batmobile comes with holes you plug Batman's legs into and he can ride it around like the fuckass he is, but guess what? To the surprise of nobody, the cheap Chinese bootleg doesn't work right! The holes are too far apart and Batman cannot plug into them, and I didn't want to start risking the brittle plastic by forcing the matter, so I just put Crippleman off to the side while I fucked with the Shitmobile.

As I was putting batteries in the Batmobile, I noticed a problem that anyone above the age of five would be able to point out:

Batman: that last gag was pretty self-referential!

Yeah, some piece of shit plastic was cockblocking the wheels from touching the ground. I figured it would hinder the progress of the Batmobile hilariously, so I retreated inside, trading better lighting for more space for the car to have a clumsy seizure in. Then, I took this video.

video
This video is shitty, but it's still not as bad as Batman & Robin.

Well, I'm not sure what that was all about. How was that in any related to Batman. The only Batman movie I could imagine that song being in is the campy one with Adam West, but then again, I am not well versed in Batmanology and should not be treated as a credible source for your Batmanology research papers.

I also discovered the cockblocking plastic spins around and retracts to make the MBBSCC fling itself around like a coffee'd up five year old, so that mystery has been solved, not that it mattered at all.

So, overall, is this gigantic piece of shit exactly what I hoped it would be? Yeah basically. I was, in the back of my mind, really hoping the music would only sputter as the car trundled in a jerking straight line, but full functionality is a pleasant surprise, not that it matters in the least. This is going on a shelf. This right here? A mighty fine conversation starter. Put this thing as your fancy dinner table's centerpiece, and you'll have Martha Stewart herself either applauding you for your style or struggling to get her Precambrian brain to comprehend electronic noises. Did I just make a 'Martha Stewart is old' joke? Do those even exist? THEY DO NOW.