Saturday, January 28, 2012

The Mysterious CD Tower

We've got a finished basement. There's a little room in one corner with a half-wall blocking it off from the rest of the world, and it's generally been the dumping ground for a lot of shit. My basses, keyboard, stereo, and game consoles have been lurking near the back while the rest of it just accumulated garbage like the alley behind a Chinese restaurant. Recently, it was decided enough was enough and an attempt was made to clean it up a bit. I'm not sure what the exact goal was, maybe go from "fallout zone of shit" to "somewhat organized zone of shit," but at least it looks better. During the course of waste removal, really old stuff I don't remember owning was dug up, among them, this tower of CDs.

Unfortunately, I didn't find any better camera skills.

I took one look at this massive pile of assfeathers and had no idea what to do with it. I'm 90% sure none of these shitty things are even mine. A quick look told me most of it was either shitty European poprock groups from the 80s or random compilation albums of the same twelve songs. I was about to shove a Chris Sheppard CD into the microwave when I realized: I needed to write something on I Hate Everything. I looked at the drawing of who I assume to be Chris Sheppard on the cover art. I looked at the microwave. I looked back at Chris. I looked downstairs. I looked at the rest of the CDs. "Fuck it," I said. "Let's do this shit." So now I'm going to dig through this massive pile of screaming failure, picking out what it most entertaining, and write about it.

Unfortunately Titled Remix Collection

Wow. Wooooow. I actually can't believe this. Sporting the unwieldy title of 18 Monster Tracks: Plus Six Track Remix Megamix CD: Pulsating Hits: The Best of Pulse-8: 1990-1995, this CD was specifically designed to make you uncomfortable. From the Trix yogurt hypnotic swirl pattern to the extreme emphasis on the word Pulsating, 18MT:PSTRMCD:PH:TBoP8:1990-1995 is custom built to spread unnervingness and bad music over two CDs.

I'm not actually sure what Pulse-8 is. I'm pretty sure it's the record label and they're just shamelessly cramming all of their artists' "good" songs onto one CD in an attempt to get them out of having to file Chapter 11. Fuck this CD.

Best Track: I Lift My Cup (Playboy Club Remix)

The Family Circus Teaches Spanish

This isn't a music CD. At least...I think it isn't. The title says Spanish Lyric Language, so that implies there will be singing, but it has CD-ROM stamped on it, so I guess it's software? The way I see it, this is a computer program that sings at you to teach you Spanish, and somehow The Family Circus is involved. Fuck that shit, I'm not finding out.

Best Track: There aren't any actual tracks, but the back has a list of features, my favorite being Bilingual learning environment. Well, no shit, I hope this shitty CD lets me know what I'm saying in Spanish instead of teaching me Grasa de la espalda de su madre contiene una colonia de ratones rabioso and sending me on my way.

Now Collection

Ahh, Now That's What I Call Music!. At first you were cute. Then you were tolerable. Around fifteen, I think, you started to overstay your welcome. Maybe before that. Wikipedia tells me that, come this July, there will be eighty-two of these fucking things, and that's not even everything. Thirteen "10th Anniversary Edition"s, seven Christmas collections, thirty dance collections (including a The Very Best of Now Dance 2010, making it a best-of of a best-of), seven downloadable albums, eleven DVDs, twenty Millennium Editions, and sixteen miscellaneous special editions. Fuck Now.

Best Track: Now 5 contains a track by someone named Janet called Doesn't Really Matter, but the track listing is written in such a way it looks like Janet Really Doesn't Matter. Poor Janet.

The Letter Z

What the fuck is this assshit. Jointz From Back in Da Day? Who the fuck are you trying to kid, "Quality Records"? Judging by the cover of Slow Jamz From Back in Da Day, you both believe having quickie sex on a car in a public place is a thing people did and failed English in seventh grade. Why is the Jointz Guy's head mass 50% sweatshirt? Should his legs be that thick, or are those just parachute pants? I don't know, fuck the 90s.

Best Track Title: I broke my rule of not actually listening to any of this shit and looked up Al-Naafyish (The Soul) on YouTube because I'm a sucker for anything Arabic. Apparently, it was in Grand Theft Auto. Imagine that.

Screaming Pile of Dance Mixes

While there were a few others, I only picked the most noteworthy of these generic dance mix CDs, my favorites being Rhino Instant Party: Irresistible '80s for the cover that looks like it was designed with WordArt and Dance Floor Classics for the disco dancing afro dude and because, for whatever reason, we have two of them.

Best Track: DJ's Dance Club inexplicably contains a song titled Smells Like Teen Spirit by someone only credited as "Abigail." I'm scared to find out how bad a cover of an already awful song could be. I might listen to it later when I need to be reminded my life can, in fact, get worse.

Motherfucking Snowmobiles

Oh yeah, here we fucking go. This game. This pathetic, awful game. It was a staple of my lonely childhood. We had a Playstation, and this was basically the only game we owned. Well, it was the best one. The rest were Madden '97, Crash Bash, and two racing games so frighteningly bad I've been thinking about writing an article on them. Through those times, Sno-Cross Championship Racing was there for me. Thank you, Sno-Cross. Thank you.

Best Track: Obviously, this isn't a music CD, but the case does read "Analog Control Compatible." Well fuck, I should hope so, considering that's generally how you play Playstation games, using the analog sticks.

What the Shit

Okay, what the fuck is this. Why do we actually own this. Does 'N Sync even exist still? I know Justin Timberlake is an actor now, but didn't the rest of them just drop off the face of the Earth?
And look at those douchebags. I want to punch them all. Jesus dick, why am I even talking about this.

Best Track: Screw off.

God Dammit, Fuck Everything

What the hell. Mix Énergie: Radio Énergie: Volume 1? "Oh, okay," you're thinking, "a French CD. Nothing wrong there," only everything is wrong here. None of these songs are in French. I can tell because there are titles such as Gimme Your Love and I'm in Love With You. The only French looking thing on here is Yolanda, and I'm fairly sure that's just gibberish. The copyright information is in English. The record label is Canadian. It contains the same fucking Smells Like Teen Spirit cover by Abigail. I don't know, I'm done with this shit.

Best Track: The little album book contains a coupon for a burger joint. It expired in 1995.