I took one look at this massive pile of assfeathers and had no idea what to do with it. I'm 90% sure none of these shitty things are even mine. A quick look told me most of it was either shitty European poprock groups from the 80s or random compilation albums of the same twelve songs. I was about to shove a Chris Sheppard CD into the microwave when I realized: I needed to write something on I Hate Everything. I looked at the drawing of who I assume to be Chris Sheppard on the cover art. I looked at the microwave. I looked back at Chris. I looked downstairs. I looked at the rest of the CDs. "Fuck it," I said. "Let's do this shit." So now I'm going to dig through this massive pile of screaming failure, picking out what it most entertaining, and write about it.
I'm not actually sure what Pulse-8 is. I'm pretty sure it's the record label and they're just shamelessly cramming all of their artists' "good" songs onto one CD in an attempt to get them out of having to file Chapter 11. Fuck this CD.
Best Track: I Lift My Cup (Playboy Club Remix)
Best Track: There aren't any actual tracks, but the back has a list of features, my favorite being Bilingual learning environment. Well, no shit, I hope this shitty CD lets me know what I'm saying in Spanish instead of teaching me Grasa de la espalda de su madre contiene una colonia de ratones rabioso and sending me on my way.
Best Track: Now 5 contains a track by someone named Janet called Doesn't Really Matter, but the track listing is written in such a way it looks like Janet Really Doesn't Matter. Poor Janet.
Best Track Title: I broke my rule of not actually listening to any of this shit and looked up Al-Naafyish (The Soul) on YouTube because I'm a sucker for anything Arabic. Apparently, it was in Grand Theft Auto. Imagine that.
Best Track: DJ's Dance Club inexplicably contains a song titled Smells Like Teen Spirit by someone only credited as "Abigail." I'm scared to find out how bad a cover of an already awful song could be. I might listen to it later when I need to be reminded my life can, in fact, get worse.
Best Track: Obviously, this isn't a music CD, but the case does read "Analog Control Compatible." Well fuck, I should hope so, considering that's generally how you play Playstation games, using the analog sticks.
And look at those douchebags. I want to punch them all. Jesus dick, why am I even talking about this.
Best Track: Screw off.
Best Track: The little album book contains a coupon for a burger joint. It expired in 1995.