Friday, May 11, 2012

Two Years of Hating Everything: A Retrospective

As of today, it's been two years since I published my first post on I Hate Everything, back when it was a crummy place for me to vent my thoughts called Musing With Myself (apparently, I never caught the horrible innuendo until it was too late). It was just a short post to figure out how Blogger worked, and something I never deleted so I could remember when my first post was.

I feel like I've come a long way since then.

After an eight month hiatus, Musing With Myself got a new paint job, title, and a quick MS Paint edit of Agnry Faic on top of the planet Saturn. I wrote a post in thirty minutes about how much I fucking hated jelly beans, shared it with a few friends, and got a lot of positive feedback from those who actually read it. I Hate Everything as we know it was born.

Honestly, like it fucking matters. I've been through two years of this bullshit; I'm not going to hit it big online and accidentally an Internet meme or anything. I don't intend to make money off of this with ads because I'm not a heartless jewbag. But to those few regular readers I guess it's pretty cool. I think it's pretty cool. For me to do something like this for two years with only short breaks between is a marvel.

This sort of got away from me. Here's me talking about my top five posts, the unposted works, and a brief glossary of scientific measurements.

in stereoscopic 2-D


5: Random Things I Hate

I consider Random Things I Hate to be third on my list of my life's greatest failures, right behind sucking at physics and not buying that George Carlin record at a flea market for two dollars. Random Things I Hate could have been the quintessential I Hate Everything post: it was just about hating everything for no apparent reason. It could be a place to bitch about jelly, about Roger Ebert, about some little east European hellhole.

It wasn't.

Every time I look at Random Things I Hate, I see only forced comedy and utter failure. Why is this damn post so popular? I don't think I'll ever know. The mystery of Random Things I Hate will forever haunt me, the greatest nagging question of my life that will never leave me alone. I will take the mystery to my death, dying a dissatisfied man. I'll tell you one thing, though, I still fucking hate Transnistria.

4: Browsing Browsers

Browsing Browsers is a post that arose out of a simple question: why the fuck do I have so many Internet browsers?

The simple answer is because I use a shared computer and people are jackasses, but that's hardly worth writing about. I had a computer full of Internet browsers, a weekend full of free time, and a blog post full of empty. Everybody out of the goddamn way, I was going to write this fucking entry.

And then I sort of didn't. I got halfway through Opera, stopped for some reason, and abandoned it for a month. I rediscovered it and quickly wrote the Firefox and Chrome sections, left it for another few days, downloaded Rockmelt for funsies, babbled a little bit about it, and called it a post. I liked the Internet Explorer and Safari parts to be sure, but things trailed off pretty rapidly after that because I ran out of things to make fun of. I regret putting both of the shittiest browsers at the very beginning.

Rockmelt status: Fuck yeah, it's my new browser of choice, partially for the hipster points, partially because I like beta stuff like this. Also, the MSPA feed is indispensable. I always have dat update.

3: I Hate Everything Land 4

I Hate Everything Land 4 feels like an important entry for me. I don't know why. I think it was the first post I felt good about doing. The process of writing it took a few ages, though, because my only information on Wario Land 4 came from incomplete entries on Super Mario Wiki and my fractured second-grade memories of a game that basically scared the piss out of me every time I played it.

I Hate Everything Land 4 reads like a man on his deathbed rambling his disjointed life story to a nurse, violently jumping topics more suddenly than an M Night Shyamalan plot twist. Somehow, it's not the worst thing ever to read, which I guess is a point for disjointed narrative.

Upon replaying the game, I discovered the sound test screen wasn't unnerving because of Creepy Background Figure. It was unnerving because holy damn the video feeds. When playing a song, a tiny screen played a slideshow of random animated GIFs of cartoony strawberries, people dressed as Wario, and leering faces, all jittering out of time with whatever disturbing ambiance-noise thing you have made the poor decision to force down your ear canals. I guess what I'm saying is the game is still really disturbing.

2: I Hate Jelly Beans

This is it, folks. This is what started it all. I Hate Jelly Beans, an eleven-hundred word harangue about the abhorrence of sugar and corn syrup, is the post that birthed I Hate Everything and all the good things that came later. In a bizarre twist of fate, you have these disgusting sugar droppings to thank for the Internet's 15,509th favorite comedy blog.

I feel a little weird reading this one. There's a subtle change in my style this early on, but I don't even know if anyone else can detect it. Maybe it's just me? It's probably just me. Things like that tend to just be me. But the writing is still great, and the one paragraph long aside about hillbillies and black flavor that turns out to be an extended poop joke is stunning. I can sort of understand why this became so popular in a way.

1: The Best Fifth Generation Pokémon Are All Fucking Nuts

Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is the biggest surprise of my life. The Best Fifth Generation Pokémon Are All Fucking Nuts, written almost on IHE's first birthday, an image-heavy tirade on the fifth generation of Pokémon based on my first impressions of what I can only assume is the result of a lengthy drug binge, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas style.

I don't know if I enjoy this post. It generates an incredible amount of traffic because of all the images from Bulbapedia I used, but the traffic sources are search terms like pokemon fucking pokemon and leavanny rule 34. I shit you not, the most used keyword to find I Hate Everything is pokemon fucking. And to think I was worried about "Popped a roboboner in his lime green codpiece" in the Problem Solverz entry.

In case you couldn't tell, I do like the fifth generation (because it's stupid to just randomly hate a generation), but Jesus, some of that shit is just messed up.

(Sigilyph is one of my favorite Pokémon ever, though)


Not every entry that I start writing makes it to the Internet. I've got four prime examples of this, just sort of sitting in my post listing, begging to be worked on and one day published. I have no time for this shit. Chances are I dropped you for a reason, random post, and unless I am suddenly struck by inspiration, it is likely to stay that way.

Fuck TV is the first of the unfinished posts. It's actually pretty close to completion, but suffered from a number of problems. First, I had just gone off on a huge rant about similar topics in the previous post, YouTube's Collection of the Most Worst, and it seemed like an issue of too close, too soon. Also, you could say the entry was too complete. It liked to crash Firefox when I previewed it and became so large Blogger simply stopped being able to save it. I could revisit it, maybe Blogger can handle it better now that I've upgraded, but it feels too far behind me. Who knows, maybe Fuck TV will, one day, see the light of the Internet.

Musings on a Bag of Instant Ramen is a sadder story. As I explained in the opening paragraphs of the entry, when I'm standing around waiting for water to boil, I tend to get philosophical from my boredom. I wondered what "Oriental Flavor" meant. Well, I tried to run with it and failed. Why I Am Bad at Team Fortress 2 is in a similar boat; I had an idea, tried to twist it into 2000 words, and failed miserably. 

Navigating the Strange Part of YouTube is probably my favorite of the unfinished drafts. Presented like a journal detailing an adventure through the kingdom of YouTube, Navigating the Strange Part of YouTube  could have been a very good article. Unfortunately, you can only take watching so many videos of people with insects in their eyes before you lose the passion for it and just go watch some monster trucks or Battlebots recordings instead. Of all the drafts, this is the one most likely to one day be finished, if I ever am really desperate enough to need to.

Lastly, there's this post, which I actually started writing way back in February while I had nothing better to do. Of course, if you're reading this, this isn't an unfinished post anymore, so let's move on to part three!


Something I've always enjoyed is science. Without science, we are but lowly apemen, pounding rocks together and making ooo ooo noises at whatever gets too close. I am all about the act of furthering science, because someone has to do it. While those eggheads at Cambridge are studying the effects of LSD on spiders or finding out at what temperature teeth melt, I'm slaving away over here making vital additions to the SI system. Why doesn't SI have a measurement for how much something pisses you off? I have no idea. In that regard, it's reasonable to be confused when I suddenly talk about something's Hipster Factor or something in bold text. For future reference, I've included a handy glossary to make your reading experience that much easier.

The Erwin A Doppelmeyer Relative Scale of Difficulty measures a task's average difficulty on a scale of zero to ten, a zero being "covering a song by Nirvana" and a ten being "clearing Battletoads." The full scale is as follows:

Ten: Clearing Battletoads
Nine: Setting water on fire
Eight: Listening to a Dane Cook show
Seven: Torrenting all six Star Wars movies in 1080p
Six: Listening to someone talk about their gluten-free diet
Five: Eating soup with a fork
Four: Understanding your Mexican gardener
Three: Driving stick
Two: Shooting a tied-down animal
One: Falling down stairs
Zero: Covering a Nirvana song

The Scale of Unmeasurable Insanity seems like a stupid fucking thing to have at first, and you'd be partially right. However, the SUI is an indispensable tool for rationalizing whatever the fuck crazy thing you just witnessed. For example, in my lengthy review of an episode of The Problem Solverz, I gave the show an elephant out of tornado. The tornado is the standard unit for Unmeasurable Insanity, as a tornado is an undefined unit. Therefore, anything can be a measurement as long as it is measured in tornadoes. Just recently I saw a drawing of a soda bottle with a massive penis fucking a ham sandwich. I gave it a yellow out of tornado and I felt better about myself. Try it sometime, it works.

General Usability is a factor in a piece of computer software, measured in Engineers (the unit being named after its discoverer, Dell Conagher). Its usage is difficult to pin down exactly, as it can be applied to a number of different settings. I used it to measure Internet browsers, in which case each Engineer represents five grandmothers being able to check their emails.

Infuripoints are the base system for measuring just how pissed off you have become. One hundred infuripoints are equal to one Sweetie Belle. They are an incredibly useful tool for having a concrete measurement of your current anger level.

Hipster points are, simply, a measurement of how hipster a given thing is. Hipster points can also be measured in douchebags, one hipster point being equal to .712 douchebags.

A given object's failsaster rating is a measure of just how badly it sucks at everything. The SI unit for failsaster is measured in Nukems, because a Mass Effect 3 joke would have been too easy. Failsaster ratings can be applied to nearly anything in everyday life, from how good your sandwich was to your dickhole friend.


Well, shit, look at me getting all sentimental about being a gigantic waste of space on the Internet for two years, whoop dee fucking doo. Wasn't there a concern a while back about the Internet running out of room, and yet here I was, writing poop jokes about jelly beans and dedicating two paragraphs to explaining how The Green Lantern fucked up the order of the Solar System? I should probably feel like a shithead.

But you know what? Two years. It's been two years since I opened a lime-green corner of the Internet I called Musing With Myself and then changed to the more gray-and-black I Hate Everything because I'm an indecisive shit, and for some reason, I feel good about it.

So here's to you, I Hate Everything, for two years of hating everything. The only thing I have near me right now to toast with is water, but fuck it. Two years old, motherfuckers. Two years old.