Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Battleship: Bad Movie of the Decade

Recently, I saw Battleship. In a fair and just world, that would be the end of the story. Unfortunately for us, this is not a fair and just world, and Battleship not only exists, but was absolutely fucking dreadful. I've seen my fair share of bad movies and even among those, Battleship ranks as one of the most atrocious things I've ever paid seven dollars to look at.

It was beautiful.

Only a .jpg can truly capture this movie's glory.

Battleship is such an inhumanly awful movie it's a wonder nobody, at any point in the process, stopped themselves and asked what the fuck they were doing. It was a mess of explosions and bit characters and wanton violence rolled up with gleeful enthusiasm and a hilariously serious attitude. This movie, this disgustingly horrible movie, actually took itself seriously, and it was truly a sight to behold. Few movies have ever been this abhorrent, and I love Battleship for it. Here, let me tell you why:

CHARACTERS


Most of the characters, assemble!


Okay, let's start with the easy: characters. Good Christ were there a lot of them. Early in the movie we are introduced to the main character, whose last name is Hopper. His brother is also introduced. Since their first names are only given once, I refer to them using their hair colors: Hopper Black, the main character, an undisciplined slacker, and Hopper Blond, his formless husk of a character brother who is also in the Navy. Hopper Blond dies pretty quickly, so he doesn't really matter. In fact, none of the other characters really matter except for Hopper Black and Rihanna.

Okay, I'm going to be fair: Rihanna didn't do too badly in Battleship. Sure, the extent of her character was 'following orders' and 'shooting the fuck out of things with really big guns,' and it's pretty hard to fuck that up. Plus, maybe it was the rest of the movie being completely dreadful that made her look at least mediocre. Point is, Rihanna shot things and I think she punched an alien stormtrooper in the chest, so really, she did okay.

There are also Girlfriend and Cripple Man. Girlfriend is the girlfriend of Hopper Black and is the Admiral Chief Doge Commander's daughter. Cripple Man is an obese black man with robot legs because he lost them in the war, man. While Girlfriend is a boring mess of random personality traits, Cripple Man is a sarcastic singularity of self-loathing from which no innocence can escape. By being one of the most fundamentally flawed characters, he somehow manages to be the most likable character. 'Likable' here means 'he was amusing.' All of the characters were shit, remember.

There was also Sensei. Sensei was the commander of a Japanese destroyer before it was blown right the hell up and joined the ship under Hopper Black's command and proceeded to be immensely condescending to Hopper Black. Other than 'stereotypical source of east Asian philosophy and battle tactics,' that was about as detailed as his character got, until he spontaneously developed a friendship with Hopper Black and über l33t sn1p3r sk1llz (coincidentally, at around the same time).

There was also Nerd, a generic scientisty guy in charge of a bunch of satellite dishes on Hawai'i that shoot lasers at satellites, both of which I will discuss later. Nerd was especially remarkable and I won't discuss him any more.

And I would be remiss if I forgot to mention the Old People, who I will discuss in their own section, because they were that fucking important.

PLOT


Battleship has an incredibly subtle plot, because it took me a few scenes to realize that there was a plot at all. Maybe it was just that formless. It's entirely possible and at this point expected, actually, so let's just go with that.

Anyway, the movie starts with Nerd discovering a planet that is basically Earth in a planetary system far away. He sends some signals, which appear to be actual physical laser beams, to it with his array of Hawai'ian dishes and satellites. We forget he's a character until a while later.

Suddenly in 2012, we see Hopper Black and Hopper Blond partaking in RIMPAC, which is at least a real thing. As part as some goofy exercise I never grasped the full meaning of, three ships under the command of Hopper Blond, Sensei, and an unknown Generic Officer blunder off into the ocean, where a bunch of not at all mysterious flaming spaceships crashed to the depths. When three extremely advanced and obviously hostile spaceships suddenly pop out of the ocean from a platform tower thing and a forcefield traps them, Hopper Blond makes the decision to randomly bull rush the closest spaceship, which, strangely, is the same strategy I employ when I'm playing Huntsman Sniper on koth_Nucleus and things are looking bleak.

Funnily enough, the two usually end up with the same outcome.

With Hopper Blond blown to very tiny bits and Generic Officer killed in an attack on his ship, it's just Sensei and Hopper Black, who steps up to be Commander Officer Corporal. There's some random bullshit and Sensei's ship is also destroyed, but not as badly, so there are a lot of survivors and Sensei joins Hopper Black's party.

Meanwhile, the giant space tower emerging from the ocean spits out two Destructoballs, which are basically giant whirling buzzsaws and explosions that chew through everything randomly. They ravage the fuck out of whatever city is nearby and blow up the naval base by just sort of running around in it. With a bunch of civilians sufficiently murdered, the aliens set up shop on Nerd's mountaintop lab, stealing his satellite dishes for nefarious purposes. Cripple Man, who is out on a rehabilitation walk with Girlfriend, decides he's having none of this shit and initiates Operation: Fuck the Shit Out of These Aliens, teaming up with Nerd to sabotage the alien's efforts at taking over the dishes.

Meanwhile again, Sensei used his ancient Japanese magic to plot a Battleship grid and use buoys that measure water levels to track the spaceships' locations, because it's suddenly night. After blowing the fuck out of two of the alien ships, more Destructoballs destroy Hopper Black's ship. Everyone convenient survives, fortunately, but they don't have a ship. Well, they have the USS Missouri, which is currently acting as a museum. "What the fuck ever," Hopper Black says, "Like we've given a shit about anything before." Unfortunately, they have a crew consisting of: Hopper Black, Sensei, Rihanna, and Moron, who kept appearing in the background and operated a radar station. "Oh shit, we don't have a crew to operate this shitty boat," Sensei says in a Japanese accent. "We are truly hopeless."

Enter the Old People. Enter the Old People in a beautiful montage of hairy old men with beer guts and bifocals, standing dramatically around the USS Missouri, looking about as tough as a WWII veteran possibly can when he's well beyond the age of being useful in a firefight. They stood around with determined looks on their faces, agreeing to help man the battleship in what is truly the worst scene in the worst movie I've seen in a long time.

I regret being unable to find a picture of this moment. Have a terrible tourist photo instead.

I wish I could fucking frame that scene. I wish I could hang it on my wall in front of my toilet, so I'd be able to see it every day while taking a shit. Because that fucking scene where the Old People emerged from the woodwork as triumphant music played is the single greatest worst thing I've ever seen, and it is a memory I will cherish forever. I actually began laughing in the theatre. I don't think I was the only one. Any and all respect I had for Battleship (which, admittedly, was extremely little) vanished right there as the Arthritis Brigade suddenly began piloting a ship that probably doesn't even work anymore.

Just when things got most pathetic, the movie reached its most awesome. The combined forces of Girlfriend, Cripple Man, and a truck temporarily thwarted the aliens' attempts to phone home using the satellites, but the truck crashed and Girlfriend's leg was caught. As a space marine was slowly stalking toward the vehicle, Cripple Man suddenly decided being an irritable deadpan snarker wasn't enough for him and he wanted to take a level in badass, too. He proceeded to beat the shit out of a heavily armed space marine in magic invincible space armor with his cane. When the marine got the jump on Cripple Man, Nerd decided to stop being a waste of space and took a level in badass, too, clubbing the alien on the back of the head with a metal box. They think they're pretty tough shit because they just probably murdered an alien with a stick and a briefcase, but Girlfriend manages to get free and they run away because for some reason no other aliens were rushing to the scene of the huge truck that just plowed through their power conduits and nobody wants to stick around to see them appear. We see them appear anyway, fixing the power cords that were...just unplugged. The characters admit it was a massive waste of time and flee.

Back on the USS Missouri, the crew have lured the last spaceship into shallow water where it can't move well. After Hopper Black and Sensei snipe the hell out of the spaceship's tiny windshield, blinding the aliens inside with the power of...the sun, the Missouri blows the fucker to kingdom come with a barrage of artillery at point blank range, saving one last shell for the mountainside with all the satellite dishes on it. The forcefield down and the spaceships destroyed, the crew thinks things are all hunky-dory and fire the bomb at the dish array, which detonates, killing all of the aliens. When suddenly, because everybody forgot it existed, the tower in the ocean launched another Destructoball at the Missouri. Hopper Black and Sensei exchange pleasantries while certain death bears down on them, but a jet from one of the ships that was outside the barrier (admiral chief doge commander'd by Admiral Chief Doge Commander) blew it up and the USS Missouri and all of the precious Old People and disposable cast within survived, presumably because it would have cost too much to CGI the destruction of a priceless national treasure.

The alien threat gone and the characters we were convinced matter alive, everyone receives high decorations from the Navy, Hopper Black proposes to Girlfriend (with Admiral Chief Doge Commander's blessing), and everybody seems to forget they were just invaded by a hostile alien force and they survived because of some old people and a board game. Credits roll.

Honestly, if this had been a comedy or at least a campy action parody, it would have been okay. The Old People scene would have been genuinely funny instead of just sad, the entire movie would have had an excuse to be a shitpile, and the opening scene (set in 2005) wherein Hopper Black breaks into a gas station to retrieve a microwavable chicken burrito for Girlfriend would feel like it actually fits. But, unfortunately, it wasn't a campy comedy. It was almost breathtaking how seriously Battleship took itself, which was what made it both a massive shitstain and the greatest movie I've ever seen.

And that's...that's it. That is Battleship. I can't actually say anything else about it, because really, I went on a tangent about everything worth talking about already. Just, all I can say is see this movie. See it while it's still in theatres. You may hate yourself for it, you may hate me for it, you may begin to hate everyone in it, everyone involved with it, and everyone around you. You may begin to just hate everybody. But that's okay. Because what you witnessed was the bad movie of the decade. A movie this bad doesn't just get filmed like you film more Tyler Perry movies or whatever. This is a big fucking deal. How big of a deal is it? When I buy this on DVD (because I am), it is going at the top of my bad movie collection, right with Kindergarten Cop, Robo Vampire, The Wicker Man, and Con Air. It's that kind of movie.

Overall, I'd rate Battleship a (generous) 2/10 on the Actual Quality Scale, but a 14/10 on the Irony Index. Ratings like that are hard to come by, so if you're a lover of ironic cinema, be sure to catch it while you can. I imagine if you wait a bit it'll be in the $3 DVD Bin at Best Buy (where I do most of my DVD shopping).

I can't really think of a good way to end this, so here's a disturbing picture that kept coming up in my Google searches.

You're welcome.

65 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. lol if that keeps popping in your google searches you must be looking up gay porn you FAG! or thats a gay pic of you with a sock for stuffing, "little pinky" lol you are for sure a pile of shit.

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    2. Movie Fuckin Sucked Fuck ANONYMOUS MAY 7, 2013 AT 9.55 PM Your full of shit FAG

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    3. @Anonymous July 1, 2013 at 10:36 AM Go kill yourself. I want to see you make a better movie than this.

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  2. What an idiot....this was a pretty good movie....this is the most dreadful review of the decade.

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    1. You're a pretty good movie

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  3. Anonymous September 1: Movie promoter says what?

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  4. Cant say i agree with you. I enjoyed it.

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  5. Without doubt a terrible movie but watched it through to the end. Won't be replayed!

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  6. I don't knowhow it could be worse.. Other then the very obvious errors pointed out in this accurate review, lets not forget that these interstellar travelers showed up with jumping ships and weapons that were roughly equivalent to a civil war arsenal. I mean did any of the aliens have a gun... No they brought knives and as for these super ships they more or less shot countless really avoidable cannonballs

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  7. Worse movie ever? IDK I saw skyline and thought that, maybe in a decade or so I might be able to find something worse...
    Most stupid shit I've ever seen, but remember : still a better story than twilight!

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  8. I paid one dollar to rent this movie on bluray and i deeply regret it.

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  9. I downloaded the torrent and deeply regret the waste of time and bandwidth.
    and what's up with the Friday Night Lights actors doing caricatures of their caricatures?

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    1. you talk about wasting time, yet you are now on a site about the movie that you seem like want to get out of your memory box

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    2. I love this comment

      its so true lol

      R-TARDS are funny and I don't feel bad laughing at em

      Thanks for wasting your time for my entertainment.

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  10. Replies
    1. Thank you for supplying the world with fertilizer.

      this is complete bullshit

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    2. You are complete Bullshit, Person above me.

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    3. your crazy- i think you must have gotten your ass beat by a black dude with no legs, you hate him so much?????the was pretty good

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  11. The bad science was breathtaking - they send a signal (at the speed of light) into deep space, and a short while later aliens turn up? Super advanced, faster than light space aliens that are mysteriously struck blind when it gets dark?

    And a satellite that "only passes overhead once every 24 hours". Huh??? Since the earth rotates every 24 hours that means this satellite would have to be sitting at a fixed point in space, which is impossible.

    And since my car won't start if I leave it sitting for six weeks, the chances of jump starting a 68 year old battleship which has been sitting dead for 14 years is highly unlikely.

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    1. your a R-TARD, bad science in this movie yes but in nothing you just said lol In the movie it was years later that the aliens show up after the daily signals started. That battleship in real life is kept in running order. Also your car is a pile of crap if it won't start when left sitting for six weeks.

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    2. Get your grammar right Anonymous May 7, 2013 at 3:44 PM. You don't know what "good movie" means. You haven't even watched it have you? So i bet your mother Told you to post things that don't make sense. If not, you are a bitch who hasn't watched a youtube video or a movie or haven't went to the cinema. I guess Someone told you to do this. Get a life.

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  12. don't forget to mention that a decommissioned warship still is carrying an explosive payload....aaaand the fact that said warship was pulled about, displacing TONS of water, by dropping its anchor....aaaand wtf laser beam sattelites....aaaand they dont explain, at all, why they won't attack things that aren't attacking them (the rolly destructo ball won't kill the kid but it will collapse a bridge with thousands of innocents)....aaaand anyone who doesn't think this movie is an absolute pile of trash is either 6, retarded, or a combination of the two.

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    1. The destructo balls were eliminating roads and paths to the three satellite dishes on the mountain. With not destroying enemies not attacking them they conserve on limited resources ammo energy, ships, remember they did lose a ship in the entry. The aleins are trying to contact rest of there fleet or what ever that they have, that they established a safe place to bring a invading army to. duh, you earn a R-TARD AWARD to hang in your shit pile car.

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    2. please learn to use correct grammar/spelling/English in general.

      calling people "R-TARD"s and then: confusing the word "their" with "there", "aleins", "a invading army to" (what are you 5?) that's just really sad.

      also:

      highly advanced aliens don't have the ability to communicate WITH THEIR OWN MOTHER FUCKING FLEET????

      aliens who live closer to their own sun than we do to ours CAN'T HANDLE SUNLIGHT????

      conserve on limited resources???? not at all. the fucking balls could just kill shit and keep on trucking. also the aliens took the time to sit there and scan people who were on the ground. it would have taken less time (and ZERO ammo) to fucking stab them, rather than allow downed enemies to stand back up and keep fighting.

      they don't have a safe place where an invading army can land BECAUSE THEY DON'T FUCKING KILL PEOPLE they just lumber around looking doofy. best way to actually make a place safe is to kill the things that are trying to kill you. the aliens in this movie were pathetic.

      also, shitty acting

      also, shitty clichés

      also, fan-boy gunna cry? :(

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  13. No one mentions that we have better technology than a fucking boat from the second world war!?!?!?!?
    Nothing more than boats in this movie? No hydrogen bombs, no laser cannons. No flying units(actually only at the end)...seriously no flying units. No biologic weapons? Only FUCKING BOATS from the 40ies FOR 2 hours and 14 minutes... I'm so disgusted...

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    1. You really didn't watch the movie did ya.

      The old battle ship was in the end part. Modern destoryers and others where in the beginning battles you dumba ass. WTF laser cannons lol you earn a R-TARD AWARD.

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    2. awwwww fan-boy gunna cry :( :( :(

      movie was shit go back to watching porn in your mom's basement

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    3. No, You kill yourself. Go die in a hole and keep spending money watching Horrible movies you know that will suck and bitch about them. BITCH.
      Also, I'm Not a fanboy. I am not a battleship lover(though action was great) I am only commenting this because you are a rude bitch who doesn't Know what good movie means and because You are already teasing people even if you haven't watched the first 2 minutes of the movie. BTW, get a life and stop blogging hates. If you know a movie sucks and horribly hate it, Just say it sucks. Don't just go on the internet and like 'GUYS OMG BATTLESHIP SUCKS DICK ASS FUCK THAT MOVIE I HATE IT I AM GONNA KILL THE PEOPLE WHO MADE IT AND I WILL SHOOT THEM IN FACE.' Also, If you hate battleship why make a post when people already know it sucks? Why bitch a movie when it takes the effort? It is worth the hype to be honest.

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  14. Why don't you do some fucking research on the "actors" in this movie before you make stupid fucking remarks. The "obese black man with robot legs" is a war vet and he lost his legs in Iraq serving this country so pieces of shit like you can go on with your pathetic, waste of a life. Suck a dick and die in a fire.

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    1. na this is more suiting for him...

      Bend over and get fucked by a dick so big that it makes ya bleed then suck your own shit and blood off of it, then die slowly in a fire.

      second the waste of a life, absolutely worthless.

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    2. This is suiting for YOU!
      A spider legged bitch who got held captive and legs chopped off till you have only two left. Then, When you got released, It was war time then you got shot. You broke your legs, Someone gave you poison, then... YOU HAVE A HEART ATTACK AND DIE.

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  15. Also... Yeah, it's a cheesy fucking movie, but that's the point you stupid motherfuckers. Try reading a book or walking on the freeway. No one wanted to see this movie with you and now you're feeling suicidal. None of you should ever write reviews ever again. Instead why don't you all suck each others dicks and ESAD.

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    1. I don't think that was the point either.... this movie took itself really effing seriously.... if it had made fun of itself even a little bit or shown any sign of a sense of humor, then it would have been less terrible.

      "Snakes on a Plane": Terrible, but it had a sense of humor and was trying to be funny, which makes it enjoyable.

      "Battleship": fucking clueless douche-bags being super serious, painful to watch because it is TERRIBLE and yet everyone in the movie is pretending they are making the action hit of the century.

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  16. This review lacks a lot of depth an sucks, just like the movie.

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    1. You wouldn't know a good movie even if ya watched one.

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  17. Good day! I simply wanted to say that you really succeeded in building a marvelous resource. In addition to that I would like to ask you a question which is highly important to me. Do you take into considerations writing as a professional or online blogging is only a of yours?

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    1. lol this blog is crap, and you want him to do what lol

      I wish there was a printer that prints on toilet paper, I would print his blogs and wipe my ass with it.

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    2. I agree You two, This movie wasn't bad and I will kill the person who made this blog.

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  18. Thank you sir, not since reading a review of 'Star Wars the Holiday Special' had I cried laughing this much!

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  19. Battle Ship was a great movie i loved every minute of it. all i can say is the reviewer is a pompous ass and an intellectual snob. i loved using a ww2 battle ship to win the day. reminded my of "STAR GAZERS". this movie was for escapism only, your not suppose to read to much into it. reading the reply of all the zombies who think it's cool to agree with this asshole of a reviewer, makes me think they mostly in their early teen's when we think it's cool to put things down, maybe 13 or 14 years old. Any how zombies learn think for yourselves or you may wake up one morning listening to Fox News.

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    1. I agree 61% Since actors Suck. Even when its their first time, Still.

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  20. Absolutely a spot on review. I would only add that much of the dialog was just laughable as well. Horrible plot (with massive holes), horrible acting, horrible writing. Worst movie of the decade, yep.

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  21. Please review Kindergarten Cop.

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    1. lol he belongs in kindergarten

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  22. your review is horrible you did not pay attention while watching the movie thats why it makes no sense to you because you even managed to fuck up the chronological order of the events in the movie.

    just saying your a dumb piece of shit but eh thats my opinion.

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  23. The old guys on the boat scene is easily the worst moment in cinema history since they invented cameras to start making the fucking things....truly,truly awful. I feel dirty after watching that movie...And that "Hopper Black"...what an asshole.

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  24. PS: Your review was awesome (and accurate). Is it so bad it actually is genius? 10 minutes have passed and I'm starting to think yes.

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  25. If the aliens have the power to make force fields and travel through space, then surely enough they have the power to make a better weapon than a WW1 missile launcher. I mean cmon seriously, we humans have already developed the rail gun and you guys are still using crappy missile launchers? How pathetic.

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  26. Guys in my opinion this movie is a 4/10, Bad acting, OK plot, 10/10 action. The problem is the actors. Also why wont the aliens send like 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 ships at a time? Why would the aliens be sun-setive if their home is roughly the same distance as earth is to the sun? Why wont the aliens have super cannons which insta kills stuff? Why wont the entire navy come with Alex hopper and the others?

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    1. Also, I don't excactly mean 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 alien ships at a time, But a very much amount at a time

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  27. Those ships are actually kept functional in case of national emergencies

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  28. This was a good review. Well thought out. All the little fan boys lashing out at someone who hates what they love.

    I watch terrible movies all the time just for the sake of entertainment. Seriously. There were too many question marks in this movie that any logical thinking person would spit in the director's face for having it placed.

    The action was enjoyable, the acting was humorous and for that, I enjoyed it.

    Let's not forget the badass old warship drop anchor and spin 180 degrees in a couple of seconds. But hey, you weren't paying attention to that because you were merely paying attention to the mindless action because you're idiots. But you know what? It was enjoyable and worth the laugh. Because that would never happen.

    And that's why I watch these horrible movies. To watch the impossible mundane idiocy happen.. Reality gets boring. So we watch this crap and have almost MORE fun watching idiots defend it lol.

    Movie is crap. It is. There's only one justification. A complete escape from reality and logistics. Which made it enjoyable lol.

    A real critic looks at a movie for logistics, plot depth, scripture, scenematics and blah blah blah. But in the end, it's opinionated. But don't defend it like you know more than the blog writer because you don't. All know is you liked a shitty movie that was basically a giant CGI creation and Michael Bay explosions. I enjoyed it too but the reality of it is this.

    It's not a movie meant for winning Oscars or any kind of prestigious award of any kind but like the OP said. They tried to hard to be serious in ways that only idiots will understand. So to the rest of us, it's confusing and amusing.

    I'm 26, married, 2 kids, a construction manager in the oilfield, Security Officer on other days, teach law and physiological psychology in college on summers and enjoy reading reviews of all kinds on the Internet just to learn the differeciality in personalized opinions.

    Worth the free time lol.

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    1. May also be worth noting one movie that was worth taking a bit more seriously in many aspects, go watch District 9.
      A movie derived to escape from reality to make it realistic. To make you believe if it were to happen, it could possibly be that way. That's how many like me enjoy a movie.

      An escape from reality with realistic outcomes. Of course they always have to throw in bullshit because it's Hollywood and has to be done to make a good action flick but.. Battleship? Based off the board game? The only part I could see being realistic are the suits that the aliens wore.

      The crippled vet.. The best example. A fleet of highly trained marines couldn't take on the big alien on the ship, yet a crippled vet that couldn't even walk straight ends up sending a knee to the aliens face and even punched it so hard that knocked a few teeth out and chocked him out with a prosthetic leg.

      I'm all for the vet making a scene but to take it that far? Cmon people... There's an escape from reality then there's complete bullshit. The aliens hand was bigger than his head and the dudes head was nearly the size of a basketball. Blinded or not, vet or not, prosthetic legs or not. He stood no chance. Lol.

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  29. They were isolated from the rest of the world by the force field so had to stop the aliens sending their signal without any outside help. Could the outside world not have blown up the orbiting satellite effectively making a broadcast useless? Just a thought.

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  30. And why was the force field emitter not knocked out first?

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  31. You write well. The movie was so so bad.

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  32. Just saw it on the TV. Didn't changed channel to see it could became worst. It did. There is so much thing wrong about this movie that it pointless to name some. There was one great thing. Destructoballs. They where great.

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  33. I had to Google battleship worst movie ever to see if anyone agrees with me, thanks I'm not alone.

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