Saturday, September 15, 2012

A Brony's Letter to Other Bronies: Why I Hate You All

I haven't really made a secret about being a brony. I like a TV show not typically for my age bracket, oh, how awful. I have one of the McDonald's toys. I have a shirt that replaces the Ford Mustang logo with a pony. Hell, I made 'Sweetie Belles' a unit of measurement. I enjoy the TV show. I read the fanfiction. What a huge deal.

I appreciate the community...mostly. As a whole, we've put out some of the best art, fiction, and music there is, even though most of the music really isn't my style. We've organized massive conventions, we've united facets of the Internet, blah blah blah. Love and tolerate and shit.

I'm tired of the community.

I can safely say, as a member of it, the brony community has got to be one of the most obnoxious there is. Even as a distanced member who mostly lurks FIMfiction and avoids Equestria Daily, I feel like my opinion that a majority of bronies are massive sacks of shit is pretty justifiable. Like, here:

Actually fucking love and tolerate. Look, I'm not going to put myself on a pedestal here. I don't love and tolerate. I love what I find worth loving, tolerate what I'm forced to, and hate everything else. I have an image to keep up, here. I've never claimed to love and tolerate, but if you do, all the power to you.

Unless you actually don't. In fact, well over 90% of bronies I've seen that claim to love and tolerate will fervently spew a lot of meaningless babble about how you're a big stinky butt face the very second you say something they disagree with. I think the biggest example of this can be seen in the form of cloppers. For those of you who don't know, 'cloppers' is a term for people who whack it to pony porn, AKA clop.

As a wise man on /b/ once told me, "You don't know shit about your fandom until you've masturbated to it."

Jesus Christ do people explode when the subject of clop is brought up. The hardcore bronies will take the stance that you, as a hideous disgrace of a human being that dares call itself a brony, are a bad person for rubbing one off to pastel yellow horse ass, even if it's anthro. Funnily enough, these people who condemn cloppers so are usually the ones that preach their message of love and tolerate. Hey, fuckheads? Where's your love and tolerate now? Fuckasses.

So you can see the hypocrisy that goes on here, hopefully; and how absolutely fucking maddening it is to be a  neutral side caught in the crossfire. Speaking of a neutral party being caught in crossfire, stop taking over literally everything. I can't even go to a fucking LP of Pikmin 2 without seeing the comments being completely absorbed by the ultramassive singularity of omg whats your favorite pony. Jesus fuck. Just leave it at a simple /) or something. Better still, don't fucking say anything at all. You don't need to say anything at all.

Which brings me to another point: you are not a fucking victim. You are not singled out for being a brony. Few people legitimately hate people just for that one insignificant reason. What people do hate you for, however, is blundering into a thread or comment section, screaming about ponies. If you deserve that, you deserve every bit of hate that comes your way. You earned that hate, Obnoxious Brony. You earned every bit of it.

Now, I know all about the sheer levels of irritating fandoms can reach. I am a member of the three most hated fandoms on the Internet: MLP, Homestuck, and, to a lesser extent, Hetalia. Every goddamn thing I'm saying in this can also be applied to you, zealous 'let me tell you about Homestuck' guy or 'Hetalia is best anime kawaii desu uguu~' person.

This is unrelated, but I can't find a good segway into it: 'pony' is not a genre of music. Also, ponies don't make music better. As for the first: Jesus shit, you would not believe the people who think subject matter suddenly changes a music's genre. I see this everywhere in music, and, as much as I hate to be a genre snob, it drives me insane. Nowhere is this more obvious than in the so-called pony music. We get it. It's the 3,806th dubstep remix of Smile Smile Smile. The fact that it's ponies is sort of implied when Smile Smile Smile is the song being fucking remixed, here.

No, your precious ponies don't make it better, either. Maybe your favorite artists just so happen to make those 3,806 dubstep remixes of Smile Smile Smile. Where are the other genres, anyway? How many acoustic artists are out there? There's even one called 'AcousticBrony,' for Christ's sake. He had to call himself that. Do you know what I want to see? Pony grindcore. Pony British heavy metal. Or, even better, a MLP-themed Cannibal Corpse cover band called Cannibal Colt.

C'mon, Internet. You know you want to.

I got distracted by how hilarious a song called Encased in Cupcakes would be. Let me get back on track:

Now, this part is just a general, unthemed list of hostility and irritation I have with the community. Like, shut the fuck up about Derpy Hooves. I get she's a fandom mascot. I get a lot of people identify or like the character. That's fine. What I'm tired of are two things: Derpy Hooves/Ditzy Doo wars and fucking muffins jokes.

The former: quit your bitching about shit. Rainbow Dash called her Derpy. Case fucking closed.

The latter: the last time I saw a muffins joke inserted into something well, it was a long ass time ago. Please stop doing it. It's not funny anymore.

Quit getting butthurt about 'X is a Y' jokes. The backlash I've seen at people who say 'Rarity is a marshmallow,' 'Fluttershy is a tree,' 'Scootaloo is a chicken,' etc etc, is almost as hilarious as the initial joke isn't.

Related: quit getting butthurt when people say 'Rainbow Dash is totally a lesbian.' I don't even want to say anything about this. You are just the type of person who looks for things to be offended about. (Plus, she totally is.)

Don't get mad at people who downloaded the leaked version of Fighting is Magic. Like you're any better. If you're on the Internet, I'm guessing half of the contents of your iTunes is from YouTube and every movie you own is on a silver disc with the movie name misspelled in Sharpie on the front. I know not everyone on the Internet is like that. But still, fuck you.

Not everything has to be a horrible pun. Doctor Whooves. Stalliongrad. Trottingham. Seaddle. Whinnypego. And, most heinous, Prance, even after Fluttershy actually described something as being French in one episode. Stop it. Fucking stop it.

I honestly can't believe I even have to say this: stop posting 'human is turned into pony' and 'human in Equestria' fics. Even the rest of the fandom hates them. Fucking stop.

My Little Dashie wasn't that good. I read it. It wasn't. Neither was Cupcakes, but at least that was meant to be a joke.

Challenge to you self-righteous bronies: don't hate me for everything I've said in this that offends you. Love me for it, you ignorant shitwits. Have a nice day!

PS: Zecora is best pony.